What's the Etiquette for Death?

I received this e-mail from a reader:

Dear Alexandra: My colleague’s mother passed away suddenly last week.  None of us are exactly sure what happened, but we think the circumstances were somewhat mysterious.  Anyway, he is in the office today and I have no idea what to say, or if I should say anything at all.  I just feel really awkward.

Great question, and I’m glad you wrote to ask for advice on the proper etiquette.  I know it’s uncomfortable, but the worst thing you can do is say nothing.  It doesn’t matter what the circumstances were – you owe a colleague you see every day a gesture of sympathy.

Make Him Feel Better, Not Worse

People who are experiencing loss already feel alone and like no one understands what they are going through.  You don’t want him to also perceive that you don’t care and/or that your first priority is your own sense of comfort.  This is how I felt when my own mother passed away a few years ago, and most of my colleagues and even some of my friends didn’t say a word to me.

I recommend taking him aside and telling him that you are sorry for his loss, and ask if there is anything you can do to make this difficult time easier for him.  You do not need to inquire as to the specifics of his mother’s death as this might come across as prying.  Simply be direct and sincere in your personal overture, and then follow up with a handwritten card.   Over the next few weeks, you might check in with him a few times to see how he is doing.  Trust me, he’ll appreciate it.

He Will Remember

Your actions during this time may well dictate how this colleague feels about you from this point forward.  If you go out of your way to instill good will when others don’t, it will cement an ongoing positive relationship.

 This post was originally published on Intuit's Quickbase blog.

 

Comments

[Becky]

Great advice! I've experienced loss of a parent and spouse within a short time span. The grieving person realizes that it's uncomfortable for others to approach their condolences, but showing that you care is all that's required and will be remembered. It's those unexpected gestures that stay with you.

[Dave]

Good advice Alexandra. I've lost both parents and it's made me appreciate how much a sympathetic word at work really helps. I now make a point of talking to anyone who's suffered bereavement - even those I don't know that well - and it definitely does strengthen relationships.

[michele]

A kind word is always welcome. That is the least we can do as humans.

[Alexandra Levit]

@Becky: I am so sorry for your losses. That must have been horrible. I hope you have turned the corner.

@Dave: I'm sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, I think that those who have not been through grief personally don't really understand.

@Michele: I agree, how can it hurt?

[Nereyda Bravo]

It doesn't matter if you don't like them, it doesn't even matter if you don't know them, you should still show some sympathy to him, I think he would be very thankful.

[Nereyda Bravo]

I agree with Michelle, a kind word is always welcome even if the person you are saying it to doesn't like you because they might not have shown it but inside it makes them feel better.

[Nereyda Bravo]

I agree with Becky, just showing sympsthy could strengthen relationships.

[Sarah]

People do remember the things people say to them when they are going through hard times expecualy later on when the hard times are over. Saying somthing that shows that you care will make that person want to help you too when you are going through tough times.

[Sarah]

@Becky: im sorry for you loss. I hope you will remember how you felt after your loss when you hear about others loss and show the kind of sympathy you would like to recive toward them.

[Andi Smidth]

Good advice. I am never the person that is good with words and have always admired people who knows the right thing to say especially in moments like this. But for someone who has lost a loved one, it is important that they have someone who can listen to them and know that somebody else is going through the same thing. I thought I'd share this site which could help people who are also in the grieving process.