An acquaintance of mine was looking for someone to clean her house once a month. Because the safety of her home and her family is important to her, this woman held interviews in her home. She asked the standard questions that one would think to ask a prospective housekeeper, but then she took it a step further. Although this candidate had been cleaning homes professionally for the better part of 20 years, my friend asked her, as part of the interview, to sweep the kitchen floor and dust the countertops so she could judge the job. The whole meeting took over two hours.
It’s not a totally outrageous request, but no professional likes to have her competence on basic tasks called into question. If my friend wanted to evaluate her work, she probably should have checked references and then hired her on a trial basis. I wouldn’t be surprised if the candidate was a little annoyed about how this interview was conducted, but apparently she didn’t say anything. My friend liked her a lot and thought she had done a great job cleaning, so she called her and offered her the job. The candidate responded with a two-page, incredibly vitriolic e-mail about how neurotic and OCD my friend was, and how she’d rub burning hot coals in her eyes than work for this family.
Two things struck me about this situation. The first was that housekeepers, like the stereotype of mailpeople, can apparently be sociopaths. Who writes an e-mail like that rather than just say “thanks but no thanks”? The second? Not only did my friend completely misjudge this woman’s character (she was ready to enthusiastically bring this nutjob into her home and trust her with her children and valuable possessions), but she also totally missed the negativity that the candidate obviously felt toward her during the interview.
People don’t always say what they mean. We must pay attention to the effect that we have on people, because in-person reactions can be subtle. It’s not enough to take a person at face value. We have to read nonverbal cues like facial expressions, how rigidly a person is standing, and whether they are avoiding eye contact. If in doubt, we need to ask. Their words might be communicating agreement, but the rest of them could be indicating something else. It’s in our best interest to know exactly what that “something else” is.
Wow. This was a great story and lesson. Thank you.
Posted by: paige | September 10, 2008 at 05:33 PM
There might be another way to look at it. I think the request was kind of insulting, and if the house cleaner was taken aback and just went ahead and complied in the moment because she didn't know how else to handle it (something that a lot of people would probably do), she might have then been left feeling like she had to say something. If she felt insulted, slighted, condescended to -- well, that letter might not be so crazy.
Of course, I have no idea what the letter said, so maybe I'm off base here!
Posted by: Ask a Manager | September 10, 2008 at 10:29 PM
I kind of agree with Ask A Manager. I think the request was somewhat insulting, and a bit silly. Who is going to do a bad job with a potential client watching? Her asking would have come off totally a**holey to me.
On the other hand, is a two page missive really necessary? The thanks but no thanks approach would have sufficed, I imagine.
Posted by: tish | September 11, 2008 at 12:36 AM
This is one of the many reasons I love my wife, because I'm sometimes clueless about my impact.
For example, once before we were married I was responding to a simple question over a two-way radio - a routine part of my job at the time. I apparently launched into a long-winded explanation of the why's and wherefore's. I probably thought I was providing the answer.
Fortunately my wife-to-be was standing with the guy who asked the question. She watched his shoulders slowly slump, and he finally let the hand with the radio fall to his waist as he tuned out my ongoing ramble and said to my wife in frustration, "All I needed was a yes... or a no".
I like to think I would have caught that body language had I been there to see it, but some times there's no substitute for a good wing-man (or woman) to give you the feedback when you can't see that you're being a dunce.
Posted by: Josh Russo | September 11, 2008 at 09:06 PM
Speaking of interviews - job interviewees oughtta read up on this topic. Non-verbal is key in making a connection, which is more important than your qualifications by the time you get the interview.
Great post, BTW.
Posted by: Josh Russo | September 11, 2008 at 09:16 PM
Wow, the maid sounds like she was a kettle ready to boil over! I'm normally pretty good at reading between the lines but some people don't give very clear messages and it can be very hard to read them. Either way, I'm glad your friend found that out sooner rather than later!
Posted by: Erika with Qvisory | September 12, 2008 at 12:39 AM
Hey guys, thanks so much for your thoughts. I agree with you all, and can see both sides myself. I would be offended too if I were the housekeeper, and while measured, straightforward feedback is one thing, there is very little in this world that would lead me to fire off that kind of nastiness. You would have thought my friend killed her mother. It just wasn't necessary.
Posted by: Alexandra Levit | September 12, 2008 at 05:51 PM